Monday, December 31, 2012

How It Feels

I was reading ( as I often do) and I was inspired (as I often am).

2012 wasn't a banner year but I survived it and when pressed, I found some good in it. Some accomplishments and some bucket list moments. I'm staying in tonight. Sure, I can go out and dazzle myself with New Years Eve banter and drinking and "fun" but I'm having my sort of fun. Fun w/o pressure to have "fun". There'll be plenty of Rose', a Portlandia marathon, and Pizza. Also, there will be calm. I couldn't be happier.

I resolve to:
Honor the me in me. Particularly the bits that I feel are unrefined, not well read, loud, silly, etc. Those are the things that make me. I won't chide myself anymore because I haven't read any Fitzgerald. Instead, I'll just read some. In fact, I just bought Tender Is The Night.

I resolve to:
Be present. I love to look to the future and waft through the past. I zone out when things aren't comfortable. I read the ends of books and surf the net while watching movies, sometimes looking for a synopsis. No more. I have to present. Even when things feel over my head. Even when my absence is the shield of comfort I need. Even when my attention wanes. I vow to be present through discomfort and uneasiness and insecurity. What can be better than the present?

I resolve to:
Lighten up. I spend too much time punishing myself for past deeds and missed opportunities. I Monday Morning Quarterback my life, replaying decisions and words said until I'm blue in the face...and heart. It's over. And when something's over, you should be done with it.

I resolve to:
Take chances. I say yes. More alone time and risky endeavors and get up and go that leads to get up and go. I'll be a better woman for it. Also, when I took a chance this year, and took my birthday trip alone, I had a joyous experience. In fact, it was my moment in 2012.

New Motto: Je ne regette rien.

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