Friday, June 18, 2010

Shelter from the TRUTH

*Deep Breath*

I AM NOT BROKEN. My life may be slightly shambled right now and I'm clearly having a year (birthday year and 2010) that's slightly less...okay majorly less epic than I planned but I am decidedly hopeful. Most of the time. But I come not to delight you with stories of my sorta horrid life or to bombard you with a million and one reasons why I know I'm doing the right thing by separating from "friends." No my loves, I come to delight you with the mess of a dilemma that I'm currently face with secondary to the aforementioned call. (okay for the sake of this post the call isn't aforementioned but there was a call...keep up already) I love...well lets just call him, him. While it is hard to qualify whether or not I am still in love with him, my love for him is undeniable. I often wonder if I would have met someone in the interim would these feelings remain. Most days I lean towards a firm Yah. My love doesn't stand alone, unabashed and bright. Its crowded by hurt, anger, shame and unreasonable hope. Let me say that I've journeyed through every emotion this past week and fantasies have run amuk. Still I am ready to say, be present or never speak to me again. This limbo is enough. I can't carry this mess for another 8 years. I say this with gall and audacity while I'm worrying (hey I'm being honest here) about saying the wrong thing that stops us where we stand. Being this vulnerable and falling back into old patterns is unnerving. I know, am absolutely certain that at times I've completely disengaged. So what's different now? I think that it was the hope...longing in his words. The intensity of the moment was palpable...via text. Many mornings I awake to my phone on the dresser or bed side table(ish) thing by my bed. Occasionally, I leave the it in the living room or kitchen with no desire to engage being disturbed by vacuous texts or waiting for someone to reach out. To avoid it all, I divorce from the device many nights. Its important that I don't allow my phone companion status; constantly at my lips, keys being gently tapped by my fingertips. The relationship people have with their phones is dangerous but I'm only in control of mine so I make marveled attempts to show said phone who's boss. On most days I lose, looking for the disingenuous connection that we inevitably find on the other end of the our phones but no one should worry about what this means because I'm sure Apple will soon have an app for that, but I digress. The point was on this particular morning, I shuffled off to urine (of course you need to know) and I find my phone in whatever cove I've left it in the night before. When I found it and saw a text from a number, no name attached (he's no longer contact list material, self preservation) I fluttered. Could it be? It was. My response was measured, slightly calculated with an ooze of snipped anger to spice up my brew. Now don't get me wrong, the history here is rich, so I had every reason to react badly. Clearly, I was not, am not, emotionally prepared for the brew I've made. I've thought about this at least 100 times in the week since it's happened. I've listened to I Still Care For You by Ray and let Corinne seduce me with Trouble Sleeping (of which I've had none) and Call Me When You Get This (something I've contemplated saying on a many message). I've listened to John or more affectionately Sir David Duke Cock so many times that I've grown tired. Okay that's a lie. I love his work so it don't tire me none. Still I sit without answers darting feverishly through emotions. Yeah, good times. I don't want to call him. I don't want to be vulnerable. I don't want my feelings on the line. I am always putting myself in the position of...well, you know. But he's been inhabiting my mind, unwelcome squatter style and I really want to see him. So although I sit here pretending to contemplate, I know the decision has been made. And I'm scared, scarred, shaky, confident, hopeful, anxious and angry. But this I do declare: Now or never is upon us and this time I mean it.

* I will now resume my vacation. This post hasn't been spell checked or reviewed so if error is found   charge it to my heart...or you could just get a grip and get over it*

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